Content

It's been a little over a year. That's totally fine because no one is monitoring my blogging and no one's going to give me crap for not blogging. That's the best part about having a blog that no human being besides myself has ever read.

The information in my profile is still correct minus the fact that I actually overcame my nasal spray addiction and I can now breath normally like the rest of you humans. Oh, and as if the world didn't want me to be happy and healthy after freedom-from-nasal-spray, I ended up developing a dairy allergy (not only lactose intolerance but also hives). It used to annoy me but it doesn't anymore. Life without dairy isn't a big deal. I've developed a love for black coffee.

So, I've been up to a lot over the past year. Started an MA, have been getting straight A's (nerd), working full time, blogging, writing, baking, traveling (London, Glasgow, Leeds, Bern, Lucerne, Zurich, Stockholm, Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto, Bahrain, London again ....). It's been totally awesome, I've made tons of incredible new friends and have learned a lot about myself in the process. The bigger picture becomes clearer and clearer to me everyday.

Oh, and Gwen says hi. We're still buddies who are not buddies. She's in the US right now living the life. I still don't like kids. My life is awesome.

Happy

I didn't sleep well last night and I've had a lot on my mind (work-wise, stress, studying, etc)... However, this video flipped my mood around COMPLETELY this morning as I sipped my coffee. Funny how the small things can make you happy. This makes me happy. I've been humming to myself all morning and even did the dance routine in the washroom. I command you to watch it.

Monday

This blog is for my contemplative moods. I manage two other regular blogs but I'd like to keep this one for personal reflections. Bits and pieces from my life:

1. I'm currently reading Women, Food & God. I'm trying to understand myself.

2. I will NOT allow myself to be affected by negativity. It's so easy to fall into a trap of evil. When I say evil, I'm referring to something that's happening right now involving my brother, tapped phones, and blackmail.

3. I am divorced. It's been over three years, but the pain is so real that I am terrified of opening my heart up to someone knew and getting hurt again. My brain tells me that only love can heal a broken heart, but I'm too afraid to risk it.

4. I read Kelle Hampton's blog and Reagan's Blob. Both are incredible women. Both remind me of how blessed I am to be alive.

5. I am afraid of technology. I am interested in being human.

6. I feel like cooking a wonderful meal and hosting friends. Empanadas & Alfajores.

7. Gwen & I have been obsessing about a recipe for frozen Brazo. Filipinos are so creative when it comes to food.  

8. My sister's baby makes me happy. She's the only other human I will hug & kiss.

9. Coffee makes me happy.

10. I lost 22 pounds.

11. I've been dreaming about New York City lately. Planning a trip there. In the autumn (next year?). I'm already writing down lists of things to do and places to see.

Christmas

Today I am feeling homesick for a place that doesn't exist. It's Christmas and I'm in the middle of the desert. It's hot and sunny and dusty and I'm at work. I'm also Muslim, but for some reason my heart is aching and I feel like I shouldn't be here. I should be in North America with my family around a fireplace sipping hot cocoa. There should be snow on the ground and houses should be lit up and pretty. Gwen went home for Christmas and my sister also went and has been sending photos of snow and the Christmas tree and my grandmother's baking. Why am I not there?
;

Believe it or not, I have only celebrated one Christmas with my Christian family in North America. It was the winter of 1995 and I was a kid. Since then I have been fantasizing about Christmas whenever December arrives. Sometimes I wish I felt the same way about Eid.
;

I feel homesick for the combination of magical elements that have remained intact in my memory throughout my teens years and now my adult life (tree, snow, baking, hot cocoa, fireplace, gifts, music, family, traditions, warmth, happiness). I should be there. Scotty isn't helping me either. Have a blessed Christmas wherever you are.

Why I don't want kids

I'm blogging for myself and don't really expect to have readers in the near future, so bear with me if you've come across this blog randomly. Once I decide to join the blogosphere game, I'll start commenting on other people's blogs and then perhaps gain a few loyal followes.

So, back to the kids debate. Let me get one thing straight before I start: I . Love. Kids.

Truly.

They're fun to be with, they're adorable most of the time, I love working with them, and hey I even enjoy changing diapers. However, I don't want kids of my own. I've had that feeling since I was a kid and now that I've hit my mid-twenties, I think about it more often (naturally) and despite pressue from my community to get married and start having babies immediately, I just don't feel that passionate about getting pregnant. People tell me, once you have a baby, you'll fall in love with it, ... exactly. Once. You. Have. A. Baby. And. You're. Stuck. With. It. You. Have. No. Other. Choice.

My sister had a baby earlier this year, and I was with her through labor and for several days afterwards. When I held her baby girl for the first time, I knew I would love her to death and protect her like a second mother. She was just so perfect. I took care of her for the first few days, feeding her, washing her, changing her, holding her, and loving her because her mother was recovering from surgery. We bonded. But... did I feel I want one of my own? Nope. Not once. I swear to God.

I know if I ever end up getting pregnant, I'll love the kid to bits, but until then, I really hope I don't have a child. If I were to list the reasons, they'd look like this:

1. I don't feel passionate about babies. My friends and family continue to breed and I'm surrounded by babies all the time, but I'm just not feeling it people.

2. I'm a writer, a journalist, an activist, a reader and a traveler. I'm worldly. I know what our world is like and I expose myself to reality way too often (by reality I mean I don't live in a bubble). To be honest, I reached a point during the Arab Spring and when the riots were taking place in London and earthquakes in Japan and hurricanes and all the horror where it just hit me 'I don't want to bring a child into this world. It's not fair'. And I really do believe it's just not fair. The world is over-populated, there are way too many problems and it's going to get better anytime soon. Why submit a child to all this? Raising children just isn't safe anymore. I'd spend my whole life worrying about them, and  I'd feel so bad if they were exposed to any of the bad stuff.

3. I like my lifestyle. I love my job, I'm planning to do an MBA soon, I love love love traveling, I want to read and study and learn as much as possible. And yes, I do enjoy traveling at short notice if the opportunity arises. I have friends all over the world. My bucket list is longer than your average roll of toilet paper. I like that my money is my own to squander. I worship my weekends and my beauty sleep. And most of all, I love my freedom. Does that make you uncomfortable? I don't care. It's my life, not yours.

4. Finally, ever since I was a little girl, I imagined living alone in a house filled with books and lamps and comfortable sofas with a big kitchen that always smells good. Alone. I want to be that special aunt or friend to kids around me. I want kids to be able to come to my home and have fun and bake with me and bond. A few years ago I tutored an 8-year-old boy. He worshipped me. We spent four hours a week together. We'd curl up on the sofa and read Harry Potter, we'd bake cookies together and paint and make playdough. We'd visit the library and feed the cats and play board games and discuss important things. I taught him how to spell and read like a grown-up. I introduced him to his first dictionary and thesaurus. He was my student for two years and boy did I love it. I'd spend days preparing his exercises and homeworks and activities. We totally bonded. He'd leave my house with a huge smile on his face and always beg for more books to read and more baking lessons. When he left after each lesson, I'd close the door with a smile on my face. You see folks, that's the kind of relationship I want with kids. I want my home to be a haven for kids. I want to have a special relationship with every child in my life. I want to be a believing eye in theirs. But at the end of the day, I want to close the door, watch a movie, soak in a bathtub filled with lavender, then curl up in bed with a good book. By myself. Is that so bad?

In conclusion, I want to make the world a better place by giving my time and energy to good causes. I want to volunteer, I want to learn, I want to make a difference. I want to thrive in a world filled with other people's children.

High Tea

Ever since I started my diet (lost 8 pounds since September 10th, woohoo!), I've come to really appreciate the concept of 'Eye Candy'. According to Gwen, looking at photos of carbs isn't calorific, so it's safe. Every day I take the time out to look at baking websites and other goodies (Paula Deen! Squeal!) since I have to cut down on my delicious baking. Gwen and I email back and forth with recipes on a regular basis. It helps.

In fact, I have a confession to make, .... I visited an awesome new baking store in Sand-Land and .....

actually bought a cookbook called 'High Tea'. Yes, an entire cookbook for high tea.

You see, according to my Mum, I came out of her stomach holding a dainty teacup and a rolling pin. I have an obsession with tea. Not the drink itself, but the whole concept of having a cup of tea, or inviting people over for tea and baking for tea... and high tea. All my life, I've been baking to fulfill my dream of arranging high-teas for anyone and everyone. When we're rich and organized, Gwen and I are going to open our own bakery. We'll also have an adjoining tea lounge. White linen, comfortable chairs, teas, and beautiful treats. Music, wild flowers and .... sigh.

So, when I was in London earlier this year I made a point of dressing up and going out to high tea, regardless of how expensive it was (40 pounds per person!)... it was incredible. I left feeling inspired. I felt like a child again. Here are some of the photos from my experience at the Landmark hote. Evidently, you have to book the Ritz weeks in advance *insert snobbish voice of receptionist*

I have yet to perfect the art of making scones, but that's on my to-do list for life. Cheers!

I'm no longer afraid

.... of the scale. I used to hide the dreaded scale under my bed to make sure I never saw it. I started gaining weight in 6th grade when I moved from my beloved private school to a public school. In my mother's defense, I chose to move after grade five because I wanted to follow my older sister and be with her wherever she was. You see, at that time in this town there was only one private school and it went up to grade six. I may have been able to prevent all this extra weight had I stayed in that private school for one more year. It's too late to think about what 'could' have happened. Over the years, I got depressed, gained more weight, got married, lost weight, got divorced, gained weight... etc. Bottomline is, I'm overweight and I've been ignoring it for years. 

43 days ago my colleague and baking-friend Gwen and I decided to stop abusing ourselves. Since we're both food-lovers we decided to share our struggles and food cravings. She started following Atkins and I joined Weightwatchers . By God it's probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. I lost 9 lb since I started even though I got sick and stopped exercising for five days. Gwen on the other hand lost 16 lb because she's following Atkins. I'm cool with that.

The reason Weightwatchers works for me is because I have an obsession with numbers and calculators. The idea of putting in numbers and watching them add up everyday was just too appealing. I have an account (I pay something like 16$ a month I think.. who cares) and I have to confess to my PC every morning how much food I ate. I have to measure every single drop of anything that goes into my big fat mouth. It's so much fun. I can build recipes and measure exercise and swap exercise for extra food points. Then every Monday I have to confess my weight. I'd probably join Weightwatchers even if I were skinny just to play with those numbers. At the moment, I'm allowed 38 points a day (food allowance). Fruit and veg are 0 points. A tiny slice of nutella cheesecake is 20 points. I used to make that damn recipe and eat a large piece with a cup of coffee in the afternoon when I had guests without thinking twice. Little did I know that it was equal to a full day's allowance in calories. I learn new things everyday!